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Build On Positive Encounters, No Matter How Small
Successfully re-kindling intimacy with your partner when you have been stuck in a pattern of negativity for a long time requires two things:
- Take setbacks in stride and
- Remain focused on your ultimate goal: A return to a mutually loving and caring relationship!
Sometimes your progress may feel really slow. However, rebuilding a solid foundation of reciprocity and trust needs to be done one exchange at a time — brick by brick. As you implement each new step in my Five Step Process for re-kindling intimacy and romance, be sure to appreciate yourself for the positive changes you are making little by little. This brings us to Step 5: Build on Positive Encounters, No Matter How Small!
No couple can undo years of negative expectations in one therapy session! It takes repeated positive exchanges to fully establish a warmer relational climate when your interactions have been contentious or adversarial for any length of time. Remember that you are both trying to shift your attitudes out of negativity and distrust. Although you may not always be in sync with each other, you can refer back to the earlier steps in my Five Step Process and revisit a response technique to use with your partner that at least keeps the relationship from slipping backwards, even if it does not actively move you forward. Sometimes, simply not going backwards should be considered progress!
Just to review: Step 1 involves letting go of past grievances. Step 2 helps you to appreciate what you love about your partner. Step 3 focuses on opening up to compliments. Step 4 reminds you to set realistic expectations. Step 5 blends all of these efforts together and encourages you to build on your positive experiences with each other, no matter how small! By continually reminding yourself that things are going better, you will increase your awareness of the good things in your relationship, making it easier and easier to relax into feeling supported and loved.
Here are some pointers to help you build on your positive experiences:
- Focus on what is working in your relationship
- Tell your partner how pleased you are with how it’s going: Everybody likes positive feedback!
- Stop saying negative things about your partner to others
- Re-brand the story of your relationship. Advertise to your friends and family that things are going well!
Slipping Back into Old Habits…
Inevitably, there will be times when you slip back into old habits, such as responding in a sarcastic or negative tone of voice. When this happens:
Simply stop yourself,
Apologize, and
Rephrase your response in a more conciliatory tone.
Or, you may find yourselves in the middle of an argument! Expect it: It happens. The key to making progress is in how you choose to proceed:
If you can’t trust that your words will be kind, remove yourself from the room and re-engage with your partner later when you have had a chance to sort through your feelings and figure out what is really going on for you. Chances are your partner has nothing to do with it!
Allow for Change!
Most importantly, allow positive changes to build on each other! Acknowledge the progress no matter how small. Avoid sabotaging your efforts by only counting the big changes as legitimate. Repetition of many small positive behavior changes over time will create a stronger and more significant shift in your relationship than a single large event that only happens once. Repeated experience with positive interactions builds trust and generates the belief that we are deeply cared for.
Trust me, if you build on all your successes large and small, both you and your partner will feel increasingly appreciated by each other and much more willing to share loving, sensual and emotional intimacy! Soon, you will be experiencing far more positive encounters than negative. Before you know it, the story of your relationship will be about a couple who really enjoy spending time in each other’s company!
When this happens, chances are you will not only both be feeling the spark of passion much more frequently but your intimate encounters will sizzle! The best part is that this re-kindled desire you feel for each other will reflect a true intimacy, born of deep-seated caring, and sincere, mutual appreciation.
©2014 Kathryn Bikle. All Rights Reserved. This article may not be reproduced or used on other websites without permission of the author.
Sunflower photo courtesy of Susanne Hayek.