Enhancing Intimacy : Step 4 – Set Realistic Expectations

Step 4: Set Realistic Expectations

Repairing a relationship that has become stuck in defensive and adversarial behavior patterns takes time! Breaking down barriers that have built up over the years can be slow work. From time to time we may even fall back into old, negative patterns. This is no reason to give up! A successful return to intimacy with your partner takes these inevitable discouragements in stride and focuses upon the ultimate goal: A return to a mutually loving and caring relationship. The key to attaining this goal can be found in Step 4 of my Five Step Process for re-kindling intimacy and romance. Step 4 helps you build on the progress you and your partner are making by using realistic expectations.

No couple can undo years of negative expectations in one therapy session. Progress may be slow but it won’t feel like an impossible task if you approach it with the right attitude! Begin by setting realistic expectations about the process of change. As you implement Step 1 letting go of past grievances, Step 2 appreciating what you love about your partner, and Step 3 opening up to compliments, be aware that you may not always be in sync with each other. It takes repeated positive exchanges to create a warmer relational climate when you’ve been in a pattern of negativity for a long time! Recognize that he/she is trying to change too. Be reasonable in your expectations: start with these three small steps:

1. Begin by simply being willing to see your partner in a positive light
2. Assume that what they say to you comes from a place of good intentions
3. Respond as though they really did say something nice even if the words were not exactly the way you wanted to hear it

It’s important to keep trying even if you both are not always able to be nice to each other at the same time! Eventually, there will be more and more mutually positive and loving exchanges. You have to trust the process! Stay focused on your own success. Allow yourself to experience how nice it feels not to fall into the negativity trap with your partner!

When you do both manage to be nice to each other at the same time, absorb the fact! Enjoy the moment! It’s working! Appreciate that you and your partner are succeeding in shifting what once felt like an impossibly stuck relationship into increasingly open and caring interactions with each other.

This leads us to our final recommendation for re-creating a climate for romance, Step 5 – Building on positive encounters, no matter how small! As you build on your successful positive interactions you will find you are both more open to physical intimacy as well!

©2014 Kathryn Bikle. All Rights Reserved. This article may not be reproduced or used on other websites without permission of the author.