Enhancing Intimacy: Step 3 – Receive and Believe Compliments

Step 3: Receive and Believe Compliments

When we have been stuck in an adversarial relationship with our partner learning to receive and believe compliments is an essential tool for melting the wall of ice that has built up. It opens up warm feelings in both the giver and receiver of those compliments. Step 3 in my Five Step Process for re-kindling intimacy and romance is all about finding ways to feel safe when giving or receiving compliments, and believing those nice things about ourselves when we’re not used to it!

Step 3 suggests some practical strategies for accepting compliments from our partner. Allowing positive feelings can make a huge difference in our ability to see ourselves as the object of erotic attention. It is also a key component in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and emotionally intimate with each other.

Receive and Believe the Compliments Your Partner is Giving You

In Step 2 we talked about how people may feel unconnected to the positive qualities their partner sees in them. There are many reasons for not being able to accept a positive view of ourselves. Sometimes, it’s because we simply don’t see ourselves that way anymore. Other times, the level of antagonism and unresolved anger makes it seem impossible to soften our exchanges to include compliments. These situations can be shifted for the better with the help of a good couple’s counselor. However, the fact of the matter is:

Not being willing to receive a compliment is a learned mindset.Continuing to experience the world in this way is a choice!

It’s your choice; A choice you have some power to change!

Why Do We Reject Compliments?

The reasons for rejecting compliments can be cultural — stemming from the way we were raised.* Many cultural traditions discourage over-identifying with one’s positive attributes. We may have been taught to deflect praise so as not to get “a big head.” Some families encourage personal humility coupled with a high expectation of success. Over-achievers from many cultures consciously diminish their self-worth to prod themselves to higher and higher levels of success. This helps them strive towards new goals of perfection — but it makes it hard for them to accept and receive praise!

The choice to deflect praise may also be personality driven: People who are overly anxious often underplay positive expectations in order to reduce suffering should they fail. This underdog attitude acts as a buffer for intolerable emotions. The problem with this mindset is that it can be so effective at shielding from disappointment that the person ends up no longer able to embrace any positive response at all!

The point is not to eliminate successful strategies in areas that are beneficial to you! However, you may wish to separate your strategies for achieving workplace success from your goal to enhance intimacy in your relationship.

Giving and Receiving Goes Both Ways

Giving and receiving compliments needs to go both ways — between both partners! True relationship intimacy requires the on-going giving and receiving of speech and/or actions which demonstrate a willingness to be vulnerable with as well as valuable to each other.

If we are not willing to give compliments to our partner we are not showing them that we value them.

If we are not willing to be vulnerable and receive compliments from our partner, we are not showing them that we accept feeling valued by them.

Techniques for Learning to Receive and Believe Compliments:

• When someone—anyone!—offers you a compliment, instead of deflecting it simply say “Thank you!”

• If you find it difficult to respond to your partner’s compliments try a reflective listening technique: “I hear that you saying that I am beautiful in your eyes.”

• Create positive affirmations for yourself and repeat them out loud several times in succession several times a day. Repeating positive self-affirmations will help you to re-train your brain to be able to accept compliments and allow you to see yourself as successful and valued.

• Encourage your partner to share what you do that makes them feel loved and appreciated. “I really like it when you smile when I come into the room.” (You can also turn these around for use as a self-affirmation, “When I allow myself to relax and show I enjoy our intimate encounters my lover feels even more attracted to me.”)

These strategies will help you connect with a positive sense of self, a positive view of your partner, and a positive view of the relationship. You will begin to feel more comfortable showing your vulnerabilities to each other. Hopefully, you will both feel more willing to engage intimately and more willing to spend erotic time together! That’s the goal!

The reality is that repairing a relationship that has become stuck in defensive and adversarial behavior patterns takes time! Step 4 offers pointers for success using realistic expectations.

*Disclaimer: This article does not address relationship issues stemming from trauma that has been inflicted in an abusive home environment. For advice about healing from trauma, see your mental health care professional.

©2014 Kathryn Bikle. All Rights Reserved. This article may not be reproduced or used on other websites without permission of the author.

Photos courtesy of Susanne Hayek.