Couples Communication: Enhancing Intimacy – Step 1: Let Go of the Past!

Couples often come to counseling to address intimacy issues. Perhaps the romance has gotten stale. Or maybe, they are stuck in a contentious relationship pattern. Real life concerns — financial stressors, parenting demands, feelings of overwhelm from work or school, disagreements over household chores, or just plain exhaustion –can all be a drain on romantic energy reserves. In addition, anger over past frustrations coupled with poor communication skills, can make it hard to respond to a partner’s advances, even if deep down, it’s what we really want. If we feel stuck in an attitude of defensiveness it can be difficult to believe that our partner is sincere in wanting to be intimate with us. We long for the days when we felt adored, sought after, and sexually alluring. In comparison to those memories, our current situation can make us feel hopelessly unloved and unattractive!

It’s all too easy to put up walls to protect ourselves when our self-esteem is low. Closing ourselves off in this way makes it even more difficult to believe or receive compliments that will open us to a romantic exchange with our partner. These are barriers to intimacy — even in a loving relationship — which require a very real effort to break down!

So where do we start?

Several things need to be in place in order for us to feel safe enough to re-open ourselves to feeling open to intimacy and romance:

Let go of past grievances
See each other with loving eyes
Receive and believe compliments
Have realistic expectations
Build on positive encounters, no matter how small

In this article we will focus Step 1: Let go of past grievances. Our first step towards receiving and believing our partner wishes to re-ignite intimacy with us and/or feeling willing to make that move ourselves is to shift out of our negative and defensive mindset. In this way we open ourselves to respectful communication and set the groundwork for re-establishing the loving, sensual relationship we crave.

Separate the current moment from past grievances:

In order to move beyond feelings of current dissatisfaction, we have to be open to change. This means that at least for the moment, we have to be willing to put aside built up grievances and annoyances that make us feel unloved or defensive. We have to be willing to let go of the negative mindset that makes us see our partner as an ogre, a witch, or a pathetic incompetent boob! As your therapist, it’s my job to help you with this process. In the end, however, each person has to take responsibility for making his or her own choice to be open to change. This can feel scary but the rewards will be more than worth the risk!

Some techniques for opening to change:

When you are in conversation with your partner and you notice yourself responding with annoyance or anger, just stop yourself: take a deep breath, release the annoyed thought and LET IT GO!
The next time you talk to your partner, DO NOT allow yourself to bring that old annoyance into the conversation.
Recognize your own behaviors that keep you and your partner in an adversarial relationship. Set your priorities to value a loving connection.
Let go of the need to be right about every petty issue.
Make a point of smiling at your partner when he/she is speaking. Really consider what they have to say before making a contradictory statement.
Start over fresh each day. Even if you go to bed angry, encourage yourself to let bygones be bygones with the morning light.

These are just a few suggestions for opening yourself to change in relationships which can pave the way for setting the groundwork for enhanced intimacy. The next step is to begin to re-establish your connection to that intimacy using my Love-Speak Exercise!

Look for Step 2: See Each Other with Loving Eyes to help you and your partner rekindle feeling of tenderness for each other!

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